Alas, 'tis true, my friends!

Though DRDC is known all over the web for our work on behalf of our intellectual inferiors, it has not been enough.

Over the past several days, great greasy hordes of nose-picking, ass- scratching, butt-sucking minions of lessor deities have gathered at our castle walls - masturbating, shucking & jiving, picking their noses, singing off-key, and worst of all, leaving a green slimy ring in our moat that not even 409 has any real hope of removing.

In short, doing the only things they do well...

While we suspected that the attackers were servants of the Dark Lords of AOL (a thorn in the sides of surfers if there ever was one), there was so little techno function to the attack that we called in GleeGlump, our resident mage to find the culprits!

Soon, we had the answer!
We were under attack by

More information will be provided just as soon as we get it from the mage GleeGlump!

In the meanwhile, train your dogs to keep their butts covered with their tails and they (and you) will probably be safe.  Don't worry about the other aspects of the attack, these alien dog-butt lickers have less tecno knowledge than a drunken AOLer - Slurpee is obviously an extremely backward planet!

I guess we're going to have to keep a closer watch on poor Phred... Since the first attack, we've trained him to keep his tail down (see above) and even put a security lock on his kennel - but THE DOG BUTT LICKERS from PLANET SLURPEE! seem determined to make up for their lack of intellect and techno skills through sheer determination!

Our site has been under befuddled attack by these bad-breathed (you think lickin' dog butt sweetens their breath?) cretins repeatedly over the past several days.  Having failed in their initial attack (they sent us big E, which while it failed - as has everything else in their lives - is what made us think they might be AOLer's rather than Aliens), they have regrouped and are again taking up the fight for domination of our poor canine companions rear-end.

This time, the attacks have been on poor Phred's kennel.  As we mentioned earlier, we've been forced to put password protection on Phred's kennel, to stop THE DOG BUTT LICKERS from PLANET SLURPEE! from entering in the dead of night and forcing themselves upon poor Phred!

Well, the lil' lickers have been working diligently to break the password... trying to sneak in Phred's backdoor (pun intended) by breaking Phred's password protect.  Luckily, THE DOG BUTT LICKERS from PLANET SLURPEE! are (as we've mentioned) none-too-bright, so they've limited their attempts to easy-to-spell words and things that mean something to them - like "Star", "wolf", "PooPoo", "DooDoo", "Caca", "Boogers", "PeePee", "WeeWee" and other short, simple to spell phrases. No long tedious letter/number combos, no foreign words, no scientific or techno terminology - in short, nada.

They aren't bright...

Anyway, this site will be revamped and back on-line within the next week or so, so look forward to it.  In the meanwhile, The Mage GleeGlump has provided us with a picture of one of THE DOG BUTT LICKERS from PLANET SLURPEE! (though only Allah knows where GleeGlump got it), which we'll post below...

Okay, he doesn't look like much, standin' there with one paw wedged busily between his little legs and one finger stuffed up his snout all the way to the second knuckle - but he's an alien Dog Butt Licker for Christ's sake - maybe they all look that way...

Hell, we don't even know where GleeGlump got the picture.

All we know is that they're here, they're hostile, they're not very quick mentally, and they want to lick the butts of our earthly canine friends.

It's not a pretty picture, but look to your right - he's not either...

We'll keep you posted, should we learn more about these insidious dog butt licking scum.  In the meanwhile, keep your dogs inside and all should be well.

It had to happen, I guess.  After weeks of testing DRDC's defenses, the DBLfPS forces found a weak spot.

No, they didn't manage to land a 50gig E on our doorstep, no, they didn't succeed in their less-than-bright ftp attempts - would that they had.  The site could have been rebuilt, the filters would have rejected the E, life (as always) would have been simple and sweet... if their less vile attempts hadn't been so quickly and easily thwarted.

They became desperate, and desperation makes illogical moves seem logical, makes unsafe moves seem safe.

They made a frontal assault on DRDC headquarters.  I was awakened last night by the sound of howling, and guttural shouting.  Running to the window and looking out at the kennel, I saw Phred pinned to the ground by something more horrific than any King or Koontz novel has ever pictured.

The thing (for lack of any functional name) had Phred pinned to the ground, with it's head buried beneath his tail, it's tongue flapping over poor Phred's butt like a flag in a high wind.  While I pretty much knew that the position I was finding it in meant that it HAD to be a DOG BUTT LICKER from PLANET SLURPEE!, I still had to do something, anything, to save Phred from a fate worse than death.

I grabbed the Smith & Wesson .44 (and a quickloader reel) from the dresser, and headed out the door, determined to save Phred no matter the cost - hell, I'd go as high as $19.95!

THE DOG BUTT LICKER from PLANET SLURPEE! was so consumed with his desire to ensure that Phred's butt was spic und span through the millennium that he didn't hear me coming until I was less than five feet away.

When he/she/it/whatever heard me, it whipped up and around - far faster than I'd have imagined possible given the wind resistance it's ears must have provided.  As it did, Phred (one of the bravest dogs I've ever known) jumped up and ran behind me, cowering in fear.

Looking at the thing, I realized with a combination of disgust and amusement that licking Phred's butt had given it wood - not big wood, mind you, but wood all the same - and I understood Phred's fear...

I hadn't fired a weapon in anger in years.

I pulled the trigger six times, stepped back and used the quickloader reel, then pulled it six times again.

I'm not proud of myself, but I'm not ashamed either.  Okay, so where they're from licking dogs butts is an accepted practice, even a norm.  But they didn't have to take such an attitude when I told them he was off-limits.  First, they tried the AOL-like mega-mail.  Then, they tried numerous ftp entries (these guys were DUMB - we had no need for security, the original password was DarkRider - teehee), then when that didn't work, they tried to rape my mutt.

What else could I do?

Don't get me wrong, it's not over.  This was just one DOG BUTT LICKER from PLANET SLURPEE!  I'm sure that as soon as they can trick, pay or intoxicate someone enough to breed with them, they'll make more - and the attacks will resume, but for now - Phred's butt is safe.